Night out with the guys

I have, like, five or six too many heino’s, as in, Heinekens and I’m there stumbling my way onto the dance floor on my fucking microphone, as in alone, because, right, I don’t know where any of the guys are. Probably all scored. The total bastards. So, like, I’m trying to bag me a fat bird because, basically, I can. Like, I haven’t scored yet and the nights nearly over so I gotta get a 2 A.M Ugly Street, Mingersville, Chicago so I don’t leave the night empty handed and shit. As in, without an anecdotal story to tell the guys.
Totally fucking pissed here though because; get this, none of these wretches are taking the bait and I can’t even bag me a whale. So, like, after getting the yield right of way sign from, like, four fat birds I decide fuck this and I see this group of three hotties basically eye fucking the shit outta me. I go up there, like just go straight up to them without caring and shit, and I’m there, ‘hey, babes.’ To the hotty holding the middle and she just gives this sort of slight smile. So, I decide hell yeah and go, ‘any of you girls know a fat bird I could pull? I’m totally into big girls’ And, get this, they all start breaking their shit laughing at me and then point at this tyrannosaurus rex giving it loads a few feet away. So I go, ‘Kool with a K’ and amble over to the prehistoric beast and drop some killer dance moves for her and, being the desperate rhinoceros that she is, she dives into me and we’re immediately starring in the mixed finals at Wimbledon in tonsil tennis. After I’ve confirmed the capture I get the fuck outta there fast with the three hotties splitting themselves laughing still and the, like, Eric Cartman look-a-like is just, kinda like, teary eyed and shit?
So I make a detour for the bar and down a few more heino’s on my microphone and then, get this, the weirdest fucking thing happens. I, like, totally blank out for the rest of the night. I can’t fucking remember anything after I necked, like, the fourth heino bottle. It just, we’re talking basic here, goes black on me.
So next thing I remember is I’m in the back of a taxi. Like, my focus suddenly returns to me and I realise I got this total hotty sucking on my neck, basically giving it loads. She’s fucking amazing looking, like she’s related to Natalie Portman or something. So, as Padme Amidala is puncturing holes in my neck I’m there texting some of the guys, we’re talking Mark and Kelz, and it’s like:

Dis is fuckn awkward, wot da fuck is her name?

And then, quick as a flash, Mark replies with:

Leila and Sarah!

And, suddenly, I realize something, right? I look up to the front seat and there she is, Jessica Simpson’s younger clone, and she’s giving me this big delighted smile and her eyes are just, kinda, sparkling with mischief and I KNOW what’s going down here and, basically, Kelz sums it up when his reply comes through and it’s just:

Lucas Evans-Gaffney U FUCKING LEGEND!